62

I am writing this entry on the day it is supposed to be written on:

Oct. 31….my just having written on the 31st the entry I was supposed to do for 30.
Today was much like yesterday.  Slept rather poorly.  Did some grocery shopping.
Went to club.
Feeling of anxiety dread still present but mostly just damned tired.
Of course, I am 68 years old and just got back from 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.  So those might be some non-drug related reasons for extreme fatigue.
This is just the second day of new regimen; and sometimes it takes three or four days before the change really hits in a nasty way.
Dan is back safely in SB.  No news at all today from B about S, or from S himself.
My bowels had been a bit odd; and I seem to have more skin irritation–both possibly manifestations of drug changes.

61

Once again I missed writing an entry.

So I am writing the entry now, Oct 31, for yesterday, Oct 30.
I didn’t write an entry yesterday partly because I got back late from having a eufflexa injection in my left knee.  This was the third and last injection; one each week for three weeks.
Also yesterday was my first day on the new regimen: 7 milligrams Valium, and down one whole tablespoon on the last .25 of clonazepam.  So I felt sort of spacey and a little nervous all day yesterday.
Saw therapist and talked more about S and about my experience in the womb, what with mother being rh factor and her blood trying to kill my blood and all.  Being the first child, I did not suffer as much, but I was born at least two weeks early, weighed around six pounds and was jaundiced.  Not good things that might have left an indelible imprint on my brain and nervous system.  Who knows.  If so, my problems are intractable and the best I can do is define and learn how to live with them.
By evening I was frazzled.
Did 20 minutes on recumbent; 30 on elliptical, and swam .5 miles.

60

OK….this entry and the date of it match correctly.  Or, let’s say I am writing this entry for Oct. 29 on Wednesday, Oct. 29.

I wrote another entry on this day for yesterday, Oct. 28.
I am going to drop another .5 tablespoon tonight, and up Valium to 7 milligrams.  I will hold at that till C. gets back from convention.
Don’t know that I am doing this taper thing correctly, but I am at least going quite slowly.  62 days or so now since I started.
As with yesterday, slept so so; woke tired but without the high level of anxiety fatigue.  Fatigue yes, but not as coated with anxiety.
Instant messaged with Dan.  He is returning to SB tomorrow.  He reports that Steve slept most of today.  I think he got what he wanted out of the trip: a clear and realistic grasp of S’s situation.  It’s bad and it’s fatal.
Spoke with a guy at club whom I had not seen in a while.  He is in late 70’s, early 80’s, a former pretty high employee of Sears.  Kids all grown.  I asked how he was and he said he had been out (not working out) for seven weeks.  He has shingles.  Later in the locker room, he showed me.  Really nasty stuff.  Ugly, raw, red.  And Painful.  They were going to put him on Vicodin, but refused that, and took another pain killer, that, he said, works some times and some times not.  He has lost weight and looked pretty tired.
Got it:  he took  Gabapentin, originally used as an anti-convulsent.
Did 20 on recumbent, 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.

59 (Oct. 28)

I did not write yesterday, Tuesday, October 28.

This is a makeup entry.  I slept almost to six, and while I am still feel terribly fatigued, I did not have the grimness I felt as recently as last week at this time.  Not as up as on Sunday, but not as down as I might be.
Took C. down for her colonoscopy.  That screwed up most of the morning.  Drove downtown, drove back.  C was out of it from the drugs.  Left her at home with a lunch, went to club.
Did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical.  And .5 mile swim.
Was later than usual at club because of colonoscopy.
Bumped into guy who was on the TV show, Lost.  His last show was cancelled, but he says he has another in works.
Talked at club with psychiatrist, M.  He is union rep where he works.  Told me about something called NuVigil to cope with fatigue.  
I think a friend mentioned this stuff a while back.  Will look into it if, after I am done with this withdrawal stuff, I am still exhausted.
Talked quite a bit with Dan via computer and later over phone.  It is good he is there while B is in Atlanta.  S. needs a lot of little attention things all the time.  He is immobilized.

57 (for Oct. 26) and 58 (for Oct. 27)

First 57

Apparently forgot to write yesterday, Sunday.

Had our usual online chat with S. Caroline, DA, DJ, B and me.
B was getting ready to drive to Atlanta.
I can’t remember much of what we talked about, just hearing S’s neighbor yelling over and over, “help me, please help me.”  Apparently this goes on all the time at regular intervals. S. said they come and give her oxygen.
It was raining up Ca’s way, in Coos Bay.
And of course DJ was back there.  I called him round five my time.  He was back at Bailey street.  It was a good talk.  He filled me in on S’s condition and we talked practical stuff. Like money.  It’s costs B. 4500 per month to keep S in Langston; and B is not made of money.  DJ said S’s house may be worth 91K, if it comes to that.  I didn’t believe him.  S bought the house five or six years ago for 27 K, but in fact now Zello says it could go for 80 K.
DJ posted a sort of report on S:
He is asleep right now, he seems to go in 20 or 30 mins, wakes up, drinks water, spits it out, has a rice cake or some nuts, we talk for a spell, and then he goes back to sleep, so it goes, most times , he just woke up when Joan, dementia, came into the room, ok, Joan left the room, it is a wild ride so to speak

I did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical and .5 mile swim.

Now 58

Felt distinctly better this morning. I can’t remember having felt or thought this in weeks. But I got a full seven hours and then slept another, and woke without that horrible dread, ache feeling in my chest. I simply wasn’t feeling as exhausted…and got through the morning OK even though I was feeling anxious about the paint job that is now starting on the exterior walls of our condo. I hate the noise and having people right outside the window makes me paranoid.

Maybe I have hit a dose that will work smoothly for a bit. But then if that is the case, I will reduce again and things will go haywire again.

I did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical and .5 mile swim.

Will stay at 6 milligrams Valium, while going down .5 tablespoon on the 8 tablespoon dose of clonazepam.

Oh Jack Bruce of Cream died yesterday.

56

Having gone up to six milligrams of valium, I slept longer though not better.  I felt terrible most of the morning.  Just dragging my ass.

Did go to club.
20 on recumbent; thirty on elliptical.  .5 mile swim using leg buoy. First time I have done that. But I need to do something to relieve pressure from shoulders or I will end up ruining what the operations repaired.
I have felt so miserable at moments today I am not sure if I will make any changes tonight.
If I do I will drop .5 tablespoon….and maybe I should do that soon since C goes to a conference week after next and I don’t think I will want to go through a transition while she is gone.  This way I can make the transition, get used to it, and sit our her trip before lowering again.
No news today from SC.  But will be online with the crew tomorrow at 10:30.

55

Writing about the 24th on morning of 25th….

Long day yesterday.  The club was closed for the damn Halloween party, so we had to go and work out early.  The whole time I was waiting to hear from Dan back in SC about how things are with S.
Did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical; and .5 mile swim.
Because we had to go early to the club, we decided to get lunch early.  We went to a new place in our area with Indian Food. Can’t say I had ever really had a whole meal of Indian food.  On the British detective shows we watch, they are always buying Indian Food.  I think Indian Food is their form of Mexican food.
I liked it though found a bit heavy perhaps for a late afternoon lunch.  Will go there again.
C did not vomit.  That’s the primary reason we have not had Indian food.  I made a curry once and she got sick as a dog from one of the spices.  Clearly a bad allergic reaction.
Sat next to a guy who is a friend of a guy we know from the club.  He is 75.  An honest man, he said his life would be empty were it not for his considerably younger wife who arranges social things for them to do. 
Later had conference call with DJ, DA, and B.  Somehow, without S on the line, we were more clear with each other about S’s condition.  B said MRI indicated that signs pointed to a return of the cancer.  Can’t be 100% certain without operating.  But everything the doctors are doing suggests they believe the cancer is back.  They have put S on steroids again, which is what they did before they operated on the tumor.  The tumor is growing back in the place where it previously was; it’s not spreading throughout the brain.  S’s left side continues to grow weaker.  They may have to get another hoist machine to help him get out of bed.
They say his speaking functions are still good, though he has a terrible time with mechanical things…his ipad and such and how to work them.  Partly this may be due the paralysis of his left hand.
So Dan is back there and will stay till next Thursday, I think.  B. is going to a conference in Atlanta, Sunday, back Tuesday.
They got the jeep working, and B. may drive it to Atlanta.
Because I have been feeling so shitty, I increased valium to six milligrams last night.

54

Another rough one.  Woke at 3 am again.

C says I am grim and a nervous wreck.
Could be.
Went to therapist; did not do EMDR.  Did talk about family nexus; and how it defines and drags one in.  Me, as the number one son, and re: RD Laing the center of a dysfunctional family.  The center, as in being a toilet or funnel for all the family shit.
Which is being played out even now, at this late, in my relation with brothers, most especially with Brother S and his current situation.
Speaking of: he posted a good bit on FB today:  as in:
It’s The seekers. A good folk or beatnik group……I’m gaining to use this space to All Chronicle some stages in what I want to call my spiritual development…my first mystical memory… I’m sitting in a fallow field in Ora S.C ….it’s late Summer and I am out playing by myself because Nick has started first grade at Ford School…..
It’s the time of year when the sky is covered by immense flocks of migrating birds coming down the Atlantic flyway…..all of suddenI mellthe air and realize

And he tried to pluck out something on FB on his guitar.

I will draw out .5 tablespoon from clonazepam tonight and see how it goes.  Can’t be much worse that it is now.

53

Things are not going well.  I woke at 3 am and didn’t get fully back to sleep for more than an hour.  No idea why.  No dreams anyway.

Grim, grim fatigue in morning.  Sat for half hour on sofa, after C left for work, just not moving or thinking or much of anything.
I will up Valium .25 milligrams tonight in preparation for a .5 tablespoon drop in clonazepam on Friday.
There’s no way out of this but straight ahead.
DJ goes back to visit S and B tomorrow.  Long flight, long day.  DJ has figured out he can walk to S’s if he has to.
I feel broken: 68 years old, feel useless and worthless in retirement, aching muscles, no energy, dying brother, can’t sleep, and trying to get off a horrible med I have been taking for over 20 fucking years.
Shit!
Did 20 on recumbent;  30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.

52

Another bad one.  Horrible low energy in the morning especially.  Woke at 3 am from a violent dream.  I rarely, if ever, dream of violence; but I was sticking a knife in a person’s arm (or him in me or both).  Took a while to get back to sleep;  I was disquieted by this rare dream of violence. Have no idea what it was about.

Made spaghetti sauce; did quick vacuum of living rm and kitchen.  Not a real clean up.  Just getting the obvious stuff.
Will stick with this regimen the rest of the week, and see if I can get back on my feet a little.
No EMDR this Thursday.  98% convinced that is part of the reason for this really troubling fatigue.
Nothing about S’s situation; think of him several times daily.  Whenever my cell rings.
Did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical, and swam .5 mile.
 
This weekend, no matter what, will reduce clonazepam by1/8th.

51

Fatigue unabated.  Have to feel it’s the drugs, plus the EMDR, plus S’s condition. Plus I woke at 430 am and didn’t get back to sleep properly.

I had to force every step: to the store, to putting stuff away from store, to getting ready to go to the club.
Shoulders are sore and I fear the swimming may undo the surgeries on both shoulders.  But this exercise is the single best thing I can do for myself.  After, for an hour or so, I feel almost human.  I just can’t stop.
Did 20 on recumbent; 30 on elliptical; and .5 mile swim.
Plus it’s Monday, the start of the workweek, and as such a vivid reminder of my non-working, retirement, old person status.
C’s foot continues to bother her; plantar fasciitis.  This stuff is not easy to get rid of.
Don’t know how to describe my mood, especially in the morning and afternoon hours.  A kind of aching emptiness. Dread, fear, fatigue.

50

The fatigue continues.

B, S, DA, DJ, and I communicated via the web again.  Maybe it’s S’s condition, but these are very difficult sessions and I feel pretty wasted after.  Especially today, what with the fatigue.
B has taken care of things re: S’ house and car.
DJ. will be flying back there Thursday.
We told stories about the parental units.  DA told especially story about brakes in car going out, and WB insisting on driving home without them down the steep hill from that church, and J throwing an hysterical fit, and what do you know but after that they never went to that church again.  Go figure.
Did 20 minutes on recumbent; 30 on elliptical, and swam .5 miles.
Makes my head ache, these stories, and thinking, re: therapist, about situations in which I felt paralyzed with fear….growing up…as a child…
Enuff

49

Exhausted again.

This just ain’t right, and I am now more convinced that the EMDR has something to do with this crushing sense of fatigue.  Will talk this over with therapist.
While exhausted, I did sleep clear till seven and I cannot recollect much dreaming.
Wanted to look up this stuff about clonazepam and GABA cells; found some stuff but couldn’t understand it.  Did understand stuff about why elderly (me) should not take it; one reason possibility of drug accumulation.  Scared again.
This is very tiring, exhausting, and scary.
I try at moments to sit with the fear, as therapist suggests. not fight it, let it be, and ask myself if I am OK.  I do it but it doesn’t seem to do anything.
Did 20 minutes on recumbent; 30 on elliptical, and swam .5 miles…..
Spoke with Marine Biologist who thinks a crisis that will come with climate change and possibly upset political order: shortage of water.

48

Carol screwed up and said the Halloween party at the club was today and they were going to shut down at 2 to prepare.  Not true.  It’s next Friday.  So this fucked up my usual routine and pissed me off to boot.  I am savagely tired.

The morning was screwed as I rushed around doing shopping.  Left for club at 11 rather than 130.  Worked out for an hour; didn’t swim because they had classes.  Got home round 2, exhausted from working out, on top of this being my exhausted time of the day. Which is why I go to work out around 130.  I am fit for nothing.  
As this afternoon proved.  I ache all over.
Maybe that’s partly the new regimen, still settling in, partly may be from the EMDR.
Dreams bad again; same theme different location.  Lost.  This time in a railroad station: couldn’t find tickets, couldn’t locate right train, missed trains, trains going to places I don’t want to go.  Scream at station master through thick plastic screen.  Can’t understand a word the fucker says. I wake with the thought from the dream:  what would a person’s head and face look like if he or she were hit 3000 times in rapid succession with a tablespoon!
I just don’t feel straight in the head.
Soon I will take my nap!  Finally!
I will continue with .25 clonazepam and 5 milligrams Valium.

47

Continued new regimen (2nd night?) of .25 clonazepam and 5 milligrams Valium.

Seemed as if I dreamed constantly.  Usual anxiety stuff.  I am lost and have to get somewhere. I need my airplane tickets, don’t have them with me, but think they must be in hotel.  But can’t remember where hotel is.  On train to hotel, I feel as I am now in the wrong country.  I am trying to eat a fruit salad but it falls apart in a lot of water.  I still don’t know where the tickets are; or maybe I am going to a funeral.
Stuff like that Endlessly.  I am always alone.  No one with me.  I don’t talk to anybody. Nothing dramatic happens.  I am lost climbing around in the bowels of an endless ship.
I call these anxiety dreams and I woke with a pretty deep sense of just that.  Anxiety, I mean. 
Went to psychotherapist and did some EMDR around issue of how frightened I was as a child, and how the people who might have helped with that fear, couldn’t because they were the cause of it, in so many ways.  20 minutes maybe of EMDR.  Will see how and if it effects my mood tomorrow.
Also had the first of three eufflexa shots in left knee.
Did 20 minutes on recumbent bike; 30 on elliptical; and .5 mile swim.
Ebola fears continue to spread.  Stock market in nose dive.

46

First day at .25 milligrams clonazepam and at 5. milligrams Valium.

I slept OK, but woke feeling strange and a little drugged out.
As the day wore on, more agitation, and significantly I went online and looked more at the side-effects of clonazepam withdrawal.  I found forums with people posting in the middle of the night that they wanted to kill themselves.  I also found people who quit and still feel awful.  This is scary and depressing. I suppose it does solidify for me that getting off this shit is NOT an easy experience and that even if I do the conclusion might not be all that I could hope.
Still I don’t see any alternative and will persist at this new dosage for a week at least to let the changes settle in.
Did 20 minutes on recumbent bike; 30 on elliptical, and a slow .5 mile swim.  This exercise stuff may save my butt.
Did some shopping, dropped some stuff at the post office, went to Starbucks, swept downstairs….

45

Another much less than optimal day.

Again next to zero energy through most of morning hours, plus gloom, mixed with despair.
Got going by going–did some cleaning, vacuuming, and then went to club.
Did 20 in recumbent bike, 30 on elliptical, plus .5 mile swim.
Carol and I went to CVS and got flu shots.  Took us four tries.
Tonight I am going up to a full 5 milligrams of Valium, and I will drop that last .5 tablespoon, leaving me with the .25 clonazepam tab (that dissolves in water).
Tomorrow, then, I will be officially half way done taking about 47 or 8 days to do it.

44

Woke up in a purely awful mood and haven’t been able to shake it.

Yes, it has lessened…working out always helps with that.
But I was full of darkness with a sprinkle of those nasty negative thoughts upon waking. Mostly, could barely move.  Sat at breakfast table full twenty minutes with head in hands. Just didn’t have the strength to do anything or the will to do it.
No doubt, S’s “I would like to die as soon as possible,” has something to do with the mood. But I also think the last .5 tablespoon ends up with almost no clonazepam in it.  So I have decided to up the Valium again, from 4 milligrams to 4.5.  I will stay at the same level of clonazepam for a couple more days, and then drop the last .5 tablespoon bringing me to 2.5.
Like right now, my glasses are filthy and I don’t care.
What is there to see anyway.
Like that.
Mondays always suck. There’s a pattern there, having to do with wc background.
I forgot to bring swimming gloves to pool.  I still have the brace on my knee that I always take off and leave it at the club. But there it is, still on me knee.  And I lost my shampoo and conditioner for the few hairs I have left.
20 minutes on recumbent bike; 30 on elliptical, plus .5 mile swim. 
Another US person has Ebola, and “we” are waging another war.

43

Tough morning.

I slept too well, with comforting dreams.  Usually I don’t want to get out of bed;  today I wanted to stay in bed.  There’s a difference, and the latter is worse than the former.  Spent early hours mourning lost youth and comforting fantasies.
Then conversation online with B. DA, DJ, S and me.
S. was in hospital last week.  When I asked him what that white patch on his forehead was, he said it was a pain patch for a headache caused by the cancer.  Later, in response to something I said, he said, “I hope to die soon.”  I said that was good to know.  Then he started talking about how  he hoped to get a prescription  for whiskey, a half a pint or so a day.  He would love that I think.  The do not have medical marijuana back there.  He would like that too I think.  He doesn’t seem to know what drugs he’s on.  Something new for convulsions and according to B. a little oxy every day.
B. is back, taking care of bills and things.  They ticketed S’s house because the grass was too long.  That’s the sort of thing B. has to do now and he is trying also to get S’s jeep running again.
A hard morning.
Did elliptical for 50 minutes so I could watch football (the elliptical has its own TV screen); and .5 mile swim.
Will continue with current regimen tonight; and perhaps go down more Monday night.

42

Sleep not satisfying, even though we lay abed till nine.

Once again took 4 milligrams Valium.  The stuff is getting to me, in a groggy, heavy-headed, I just got to close my eyes sort of way.
Some heavy sadness but that’s a general malaise implicit in the aging process.
No further news on S; will possibly see him online tomorrow.
It’s a Saturday; college football on but I don’t care.  It’s all one.  I’ve seen all this stuff now too long and it’s just worn out.  How many diving, last second catches in the end zone can there be.
20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.
I was really tired during the swim.
Went to CVS for flu shot, but this time they were out of needles.  Time before they did not have the super-dose for us elderly.
Finished doing the mail ballots.  Wonder why I do that at all?

41

Long day without much in it.

Woke too hot, woke too cold.  Had an odd dream about trying to join a cult; odd because I am an anti-cult person.
Early morning negative psychic events not so intense.
Trouble with double consciousness–conscious of being conscious and the thoughts of which I am conscious contained by this finite consciousness.  Sort of feel out of your skin.
I think I am feeling more now effects particular to Valium:  grogginess, tiredness.
No further news re: S.
Just kept busy: went to Costco, went to Albertson’s, checked air in my tires (it was low)…stuff like that because they are things that need to be done and because they keep me from going to sleep.  And that is all I really want to do.
Tried to figure out ballot for the election.  What a Joke.  Habit keeps me at it, I guess. 
20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.  The swim was hard today.
Will continue current regimen probably till Monday night:  that would be 4 milligrams Valium plus .285 milligrams clonazepam.

40

Late in the day.

Saw psychotherapist and psychiatrist.
The latter seems to think my plan for drug reduction is sound.  I will continue tonight with .5 tablespoon reduction and 4 milligrams of Valium, although I do think the latter made me feel groggy today.
Right now at .28 milligrams of clonazepam.
Time with therapist difficult. Wanted to try to remember of even imagine a strong, wise male figure in my life as a resource in time of psychic need.  I couldn’t come up with a damn thing. It was pretty much fuck you to any consoling figure and some one with so called wisdom. 
This talk went on for some time.  Therapist said that didn’t mean I couldn’t simply imagine something good.  I said, no, you can just imagine anything you want, and then more to the nub of the matter: to imagine something like that would be to realize how little, how nothing m father had given me along those lines.  Back to grief. Back to being beaten, back to never an encouraging or kind word.
I tried to imagine myself as a good father to me.  I would be in imagination 99 talking to me now.  I couldn’t come up with much. It’s ok, kid. Everybody who ever lived or ever will live has died or will die. And this is not a punishment or a failure or anything like that.–as I said I couldn’t come up with much.
Did 20 on the bike; 30 on the elliptical, and .5 mile swim.
Finally news about S.; he posted:
Wednesday brian. Is back in town…I was I.n county hospital two nights th I weekend with seizures, bu now I have som new mess go th it’s all about th same ol problem…th brain…cancer but I think everything is under control again at least as well as it can be….

stevebackfromhospital.jpg

39

Slept less well last night.  Woke round 5 am and did not sleep soundly after.

Continued last night to take 3.5 milligrams of Valium, and down three tablespoons of clonazepam.
Tonight, unless I decide otherwise, will go down anther .5 tablespoon and up Valium to 4.5.
I will see how that goes.  Today felt mostly morbidly listless.
Ripped the skin on my arm again.  There’s a word for that: friable.  Tomorrow I won’t remember the word.  My age depresses me.
Still no news on Steve.  Should be some tomorrow.  According to notes I took Sunday, B. flies back there tonight.
Ebola victim died.
See psychotherapist and psychiatrist tomorrow.  I am keeping the mental health community alive in this town.
Did 20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.

38

Slept almost through the night.  A miracle.

Woke, not full of dread and anxiety, but very weary.  Stayed that way most of the day.
I think that I have not been taking enough Valium to make up for the drop in clonazepam.
Last night was the third I think of my new regimen: 3.5 milligrams of Valium with three tablespoon reduction in clonazepam.
I will go down another half tablespoon (to 3.5) tomorrow night and I will up Valium to 4.5?  Not quite sure about that.
5 milligrams of Valium equals (supposedly) .25 milligrams of clonazepam.
Still no further news about S.  I think B. may be flying back there tonight.
I see psychiatrist on Thursday.  Hope to confirm that being at 10 milligrams of Valium at the end of the taper is A-OK.  I don’t fancy that.  But the way things are going, well I don’t want to keep hurting as I have….
Discipline was the word of the day.
20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical and .5 mile swim.
Temperature moderating, but threatening to return to mid to high 80’s.

37

Woke round 520 and really didn’t sleep soundly after that.

Got up full of emptiness and dread.  Wasn’t sure how to make it through the day.
I asked my previous shrink (she was 83 at the time) how to cope with old age.  She said “adjustment and discipline.”  So I exercised discipline.  Performed ablutions, went to store, did chores, went to club.
Did bike for 20; elliptical for 30, and swam .5 miles.
No joy.  No fun.  Just discipline.
As of now 504 pm, no news about where Steve will be going or when.
I think I am getting a double whammy:  pain of withdrawal from clonazepam and pain of getting used to Valium.  Anxiety and/or depression.
The temp. went into the 80’s again, and the long range forecast–ten days out–says it will remain hot to the middle of this October.
The condo complex–what with the painters–has been too noisy lately.  Today, they cut down a pretty big pine tree.  I felt sad.  I had seen the tree of course, but I had never really noticed it.  Paused to observe.  It was as if they were taking away something that for me had really never been there.  I mourned the lost opportunity.  Now there’s a big visual hole where the tree was.  But since I never really noticed the tree, I have to look for the hole.
Part of my dread this morning was that possibly some of the circuits in my brain have been fried and will never be the same.
Poor Steve.  Parts of his brain are no longer there.

36

Took 1 more milligram of Valium (to make a total of 3.5 milligrams) for the first time last night.

I did sleep better, I think, though I woke as usual in a terrible mood.  I feel as if I am getting some rebound anxiety.
Or maybe I was concerned about my usual Sunday online visit with brothers.  DJ, DA, B, and C showed up.  No Steve.  I didn’t expect him, and since I had no news on his condition since Friday, I assumed–and it turned out true–he was still in hospital and not back at LH.  There seems to be some little concern about where to send him next.  Back to assisted living or over to skilled nursing.  I hope it’s back to assisted living; S hated skilled nursing the last time he had to do that (during the sepsis scare, I think).  He can go to skilled nursing under Medicare for 100 days since this recent episode is considered the kind of event that can activate Medicare.
Definition: hospitals are places that keep a tube stuck in you;  assisted living does not do that.
So perhaps my anxiety was stimulated by the thought of that conversation.  Sadly the talk did not make me feel better.  Though DA read an excellent poem he wrote about his grandchild’s sleep walking.  Funny and completely non-judgmental.  The kid should like it.
Temps again in the low to mid 80’s with projections that temps will be in the same area for the next ten days.
20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.
I felt like crying after the call, but good old WB beat that shit out of me.  He would say as he beat me, “If you don’t stop crying, I will give you something to cry for.”  So I stopped crying. Completely.
Lesson learned.
Dickhead.
Today I will continue with the 3.5 milligrams of Valium.  But I will not reduce the clonazepam for a couple more days.

35

Terrible day.  Disturbing even.  My mind is a mess.  I can’t concentrate on anything.

Slept poorly again (though better than the night before) and woke feeling very, very dark.
No further news on Steve. Surely that is bumming me out.
But then you know…no news….is
Spent a long time on the web trying to figure out how and why withdrawing from .5 milligrams can make a person feel so awful.  Got no answers really to either questions, just lists and descriptions of the myriad miseries that can attend such withdrawal.  Clonazepam is super nasty stuff.  It’s also scary.  Even after quitting one can feel residual effects from its use for months (even years) after.  This is discouraging.
It is also 94 degrees at this moment.
I told Carol this morning, “I am done.  My goose is cooked.  I’ve had it.”  Don’t know what this means exactly, but my life–except perhaps for a little afterglow–is over.
Is this withdrawal talking?  Maybe.  But I lay in bed just aching in every joint and feeling cold.
Whatever?
It’s bad, and we decided that I would up the Valium by one milligram tonight, for a grand total of 3.5 milligrams.
Biked for 20 minutes, elliptical for 30, and swam .5 miles.

34

Tried to sleep without apnea mask.  That was a mistake.  Woke Carol round 1:30 am making snorting sounds.  Woke again at 5 with mask on and throat absolutely raw from mouth breathing. That was about it, as far as sleep went.

Got out of bed in completely defeated mood.  My neck has a pain, so do my shoulders.  My left knee hurts.  By the time I am getting ready for club I am convinced I am coming down with the flu or something.  Such is my fatigue.
Also it’s 90 degrees again.  Not our usual temperatures.
And we have no AC…but the temperature did start going down about sunset…
But I go to club: do 30 minutes on elliptical, 20 on bike, and .5 mile swim.
All day in back of mind concerned about S. and his situation.  Email in morning confirms he is stabilizing and he should be able to returned to assisted living situation tomorrow.  Amazing.  I guess I just don’t understand how much the human body can take.
I am happy he lives to see another day, but I feel as if I am watching, hearing the story of a man being tortured.  And there is only one end to this torture, no escape, no reprieve.  Makes me wonder what I would do–if I could consciously do anything–under similar circumstances.
I am depressed.
I believe, but need to check, tonight will be my 5th night at 3 tablespoon reduction.  If so, tomorrow night I reduce by 3.5 tablespoons.  We will see. This is pretty damn hard.

33

A brutal day.

Round nine this morning learned S. had been found convulsing in his wheel chair and was unresponsive.  He was taken to the ER.  Later, round three, learned that he was responsive. He was being treated once again for UTI.  Was that the cause of convulsions? Don’t know. Cat scan showed nothing, and results of MRI are not yet in.
I called the hospital and spoke briefly with a nurse.
I spent most of the day preparing myself for the call or text or whatever that S. had died.  I have gone through this now at least three times.  How many times can one prepare for the death of one’s Brother.  As many as it takes, I guess.  Not that he is out of the woods, this time.  But according to B. the authorities say he is stabilizing and his stay in hospital should be short.
I woke, before I learned of S’s situation, terrified.  I said to my self, “I am terrified.”  Could not have said why (who needs a reason) and were I new agey I might say I had picked up telepathically on S’s plight.  But it wasn’t that.  It was another night of horrible sleep and an altered dose of the meds.
Second night at 3/8’s down, and 2.5 milligrams Valium
I decided not to wear the apnea mask; it has been so awful.  And I woke up Carol around three with my snoring.  I didn’t sleep soundly after that.
Again the weather is nuts.  A few minutes ago it was 93 degrees at 4:30 pm.  Heat promises to continue for three or four more days.
Did 20 minutes on bike, 30 on elliptical and swam .5 miles.
Saw psychotherapist….discussed family….what else?
Milton’s Satan, condemned forever to hell, says: What reinforcement we may gain from hope/ If not, what resolution from despair.

32

BAD! BAD! BAD! And even worse….it that’s possible.

Last night dropped another .5 tablespoon.  That means I am 3/8’s down on the klonopin with 5/8’s still to go.
I also continued to take 2.5 milligrams of diazepam.
I slept horribly.  Partly my horrible sleep apnea mask, but problems with that possibly aggravated by withdrawal.  Woke at 4 and though I dream a bit don’t think I ever really got back to sleep.
Woke with an ache in my neck and feeling as if people had spent the night hitting me with sticks.
It seems somehow fundamentally wrong that a person should wake, from the supposed respite of sleep, and feel worse than he had upon going to bed. Makes me feel as if things are going backward every day.
I can’t say I had thoughts any worse than usual but that didn’t make me feel any less grim.
Don’t seem quite as easily aggravated as yesterday.
But the fatigue really did not lift.  Usually I look forward, not that long ago, to my daily exercise (the center of my day); but now while I do look forward to it, I wonder–I feel so tired–if I can and should do it.  What if I make myself sick or something or completely wear out my joints with all the repetitive activity–so that I eventually just collapse into a bag of bones.
“oh how weary, flat, stale, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world.”
Bought a book over amazon by some Norwegian because the reviewer said that perhaps the novelist’s POV is misanthropic.  I am feeling more and more than way myself.  Things change.  At 68 my idealism seems threadbare.
Swam .5 miles; 20 minutes of bike, plus 30 on elliptical.
Tonight will be second night at the new reduced dose.  Sunday night I will reduce again .5 tablespoons.