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Took 1 more milligram of Valium (to make a total of 3.5 milligrams) for the first time last night.

I did sleep better, I think, though I woke as usual in a terrible mood.  I feel as if I am getting some rebound anxiety.
Or maybe I was concerned about my usual Sunday online visit with brothers.  DJ, DA, B, and C showed up.  No Steve.  I didn’t expect him, and since I had no news on his condition since Friday, I assumed–and it turned out true–he was still in hospital and not back at LH.  There seems to be some little concern about where to send him next.  Back to assisted living or over to skilled nursing.  I hope it’s back to assisted living; S hated skilled nursing the last time he had to do that (during the sepsis scare, I think).  He can go to skilled nursing under Medicare for 100 days since this recent episode is considered the kind of event that can activate Medicare.
Definition: hospitals are places that keep a tube stuck in you;  assisted living does not do that.
So perhaps my anxiety was stimulated by the thought of that conversation.  Sadly the talk did not make me feel better.  Though DA read an excellent poem he wrote about his grandchild’s sleep walking.  Funny and completely non-judgmental.  The kid should like it.
Temps again in the low to mid 80’s with projections that temps will be in the same area for the next ten days.
20 minutes on bike; 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim.
I felt like crying after the call, but good old WB beat that shit out of me.  He would say as he beat me, “If you don’t stop crying, I will give you something to cry for.”  So I stopped crying. Completely.
Lesson learned.
Dickhead.
Today I will continue with the 3.5 milligrams of Valium.  But I will not reduce the clonazepam for a couple more days.

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