Late in the day.
Saw psychotherapist and psychiatrist.
The latter seems to think my plan for drug reduction is sound. I will continue tonight with .5 tablespoon reduction and 4 milligrams of Valium, although I do think the latter made me feel groggy today.
Right now at .28 milligrams of clonazepam.
Time with therapist difficult. Wanted to try to remember of even imagine a strong, wise male figure in my life as a resource in time of psychic need. I couldn’t come up with a damn thing. It was pretty much fuck you to any consoling figure and some one with so called wisdom.
This talk went on for some time. Therapist said that didn’t mean I couldn’t simply imagine something good. I said, no, you can just imagine anything you want, and then more to the nub of the matter: to imagine something like that would be to realize how little, how nothing m father had given me along those lines. Back to grief. Back to being beaten, back to never an encouraging or kind word.
I tried to imagine myself as a good father to me. I would be in imagination 99 talking to me now. I couldn’t come up with much. It’s ok, kid. Everybody who ever lived or ever will live has died or will die. And this is not a punishment or a failure or anything like that.–as I said I couldn’t come up with much.
Did 20 on the bike; 30 on the elliptical, and .5 mile swim.
Finally news about S.; he posted:
Wednesday brian. Is back in town…I was I.n county hospital two nights th I weekend with seizures, bu now I have som new mess go th it’s all about th same ol problem…th brain…cancer but I think everything is under control again at least as well as it can be….