Author Archives: nicktingle

31

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BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD!


The increase to 2.5 milligrams of diazepam did not make me feel better.  Worse, in fact, and made even more so by my anticipation that I might feel better.  And when I didn’t I felt even worse because of my inaccurate expectations.

Very tired.  Easily agitated.  Noises from construction (and the cat who is becoming senile) make me want to jump out of my skin.

Am certain that people are avoiding talking to me.  At club.  This is purely projection and a signal that my psychological state is not good at all.  Maybe not entirely projection; the elderly are generally not thought to be very interesting.

Disassociation part of my mental fog.  Also not good.

Sitting on toilet gave myself a talk to in effect, “OK, so this is hard.  What did you expect.  You have come this far.  What’s the point in turning back.”

Blah, blah, blah.

Still I need to keep in mind that I am going through something for a purpose;  but that is getting hard to remember.

Did 20 minutes on bike, 30 on elliptical and swam .5 miles.

Tonight will continue with increased dose of diazepam, and–for the first time–take out three whole tablespoons of water.


30

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BAD! BAD! BAD!


Don’t remember the dreams, images, thoughts upon waking today, so don’t know if they were worse than yesterday.  But the overall mood–whatever that is–is worse.

Fatigue, I guess, listlessness, with an undertow of nasty anger–

Had upon waking no desire to enter the day.

Ate my breakfast and found myself just sitting there head in hands.  Later, I am washing dishes and find myself sitting on the sofa staring into space.

Some religions have strict rules for morning ablutions.  Maybe the insistence on these rituals has to do with hygiene, but maybe it has to do with fighting off the despair that keeps you from wanting to get on with the day. Something to do while slogging though the “slough of despond (Pilgrims Progress).”

So I performed my ablutions as way to get on with the day, and that’s all I have been able to do today…just get on with it, one step at a time, one day at a time like any addict…

I am feeling bad enough that I think I will up the diazepam to 2.5 milligrams tonight.  Tonight will the fourth on the new 2.5 tablespoon regimen.  Tomorrow I will go down a full three. Starting the 2.5 tonight may cushion that decrease.

20 minutes on stationary bike, 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim and had no fun doing it. 

Shared the Jacuzzi with a fully clothed older woman.  She has potential skin cancers all over her body; multiple face grafts, partly caused by medicine she takes for a kidney condition.  Oh, god.

Continue reading 30→

29

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Bad. Bad. Bad.

Woke twice, at 2;30 and 5:00 with mouth and throat dry from mouth breathing.  This sleep apnea mask is for the birds. A piece of shit thing.  I keep thinking I will adjust to its noises and snorts.  But I didn’t last night.
When I woke–sort of–kept thinking of terrible stuff: me all dried up like raisin in a wheel chair and living in a wheelchair unfriendly condo ( and too tired to move).  Just crap upon crap. And no end in sight.
Who will push me to the curb?
Last night was my third night on the new regimen: down 2.5 tablespoons.
Before going to club felt I was surely coming down with something.
Did 30 minutes on elliptical, 20 on stationary bike, and swam .5 miles in 77 degree water. Way too cold, wasn’t much fun.
Talked with Dan, Dave, Brian and Steve online.  Steve didn’t have much too say.  Had lost track of time and didn’t get online till a half hour in.  Dave had surgery for a bad tooth; Brian had a root channel.  Dan is applying for another position at his job.  Theresa was on for a bit. Good to see her.
Tonight is fourth night on new regimen.  Monday will be day five.  Tuesday I will draw down a three full tablespoons and increase diazepam to 2.5 milligrams.

28

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Last night for the second time reduced water/drug mix by 2.5 tablespoons.  Also took just two milligrams of diazepam.

Slept better possibly because temperature, for the moment, is dropping into upper 50’s at night; temperature to rise to the 80’s again late next week.
Woke though feeling exhausted, as well as very sad, plus despair….not a happy mix.
Just plunged ahead into the day….Saturday.  We stayed abed longer than usual.
I balanced the check book, and looked up information necessary to vote in midterm elections. 
Still don’t understand why we vote on judges, when they have no one running against them.   I guess it’s state law.
Swam .5 miles.  Did 30 minutes on elliptical and 20 on stationary bike. Decided to vary work out a little to involve more and different muscles.  Ed was right–there are questions about the elliptical and hip joint problems.
Tonight will be the third night on the new regimen.

27

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Last night, took out .5 tablespoon more from mix for a grand total of 2.5 tablespoons removed from mix (meaning 1.5 tablespoons to go before I am .5 done).

God this seems like slow going, but maybe not.  Cause I woke this morning in a very, very down, despondent mood (still thinking about dying at 75) and very, very tired.  Hard to know what’s what.  The EMDR may have played a role, most likely the inordinate heat that is on us once again.  Seems it never got below 75 in our room and that is just too warm for me to sleep comfortably. Looks as if this heat, low 80’s, will stick with us even though the first week of October.
Did 50 minutes on elliptical and swam .5 miles.  Ed heard and told me that according to a doctor the elliptical is bad for the hip joints.  I need to check this out.  Ed has had both hips replaced.
S. passed his written driver’s exam.  Apparently they make you take it again at 70 or 71.
Roxy turned 73 yesterday and is trying to decide whether to get some sort of test (topography??) to see if the lump in her breast has changed.
Bowel-wise I am very regularly.  Lately though some irregularity.  Could be related to the withdrawal.
This is a Friday.

26

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Woke groggy and in a bad mood, though not as bad as Monday.

Tonight I will reduce clonizepam by another .5 tablespoon.
If I have to I will increase diazepam.
Went to psychotherapist and did a very little EMDR relative to building up especially what she called “resources” to deal with particularly bad moments.
One of those being my reading of that stupid article about the best time to die being 75-ish.
So for a resource moment I thought of the times when, as a child, I would crawl into and under the blackberry patch.  I would lie there in the shade of the patch, watch the clouds, and eat wonderful blackberries.  Nobody knew where I was, nobody could find me, and the blackberries were free.
Tonight I will reduce drug mix intake by .5 tablespoon.

25

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I didn’t write an entry yesterday (25), and I faked the date retroactively on this.

I got home too late and then read an article, “Why I want to die at 75,” that pretty much pissed me off, and made me upset.  I am just six years away from 75, plus four months….
Too complicated to go into here…
But I felt like a donkey had kicked me in the chest.  Six years to what this guy thinks is the optimal date for death (given that statistics indicate that what comes after is pretty much chronic decay and decline).  Which hurts since I am already feeling some of that….decay and decline…
So that’s why I wrote nothing yesterday.
I wasn’t as energetic as the day before; in fact, I struggle fighting off a desire to sleep all day. But it wasn’t like Monday (vile day) either.
Oh, did 50 minutes on elliptical and swam .5 miles.
This will be the fifth night at the 2 tablespoon reduction.

24

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Last night was night three on the new regimen: take out 2 tablespoons and add 2 milligrams diazapam.

Fortunately, while I slept a bit erratically, I was not possessed of the absolutely vile mood that came over me yesterday.  Instead I tolerated the intrusion of the dish washer repair person quite easily (he’s a nice guy), went out, got my hair cut, washed the car, and later did some vacuuming (just took the vacuum in for a tune up).
Did 50 minutes on elliptical and swam .5 miles.
Today will be night four on the new regimen.  Wednesday will be night 5, and Thursday I will draw down another .5 tablespoon.
While I have felt tired and really sleepy, my mood has certainly been better today.  And I can’t remember having cursed out anybody while driving.

23

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Last night (for 2nd night in a row) took out 2 tablespoons liquid from water drug mix, and upped Valium to two milligrams and:

Woke this morning feeling just terrible.  Everything gone: my life, my libido, my legs, my back, my future,  my past…everything just gone.  gone. gone.  I wanted to cry but couldn’t.  I was scared also at feeling so, so bad.
The feeling endured most of the morning.  I kept moving so as not to just put my head down and go to sleep.  Things a bit better working out, as usual.  But still all I really want to do is sleep…but I can’t.  I will wake up feeling miserable and to much day time napping screws up  night sleep.
A little more alert at this moment….but the dregs of the evil waking feeling remain.
Did elliptical for 50 minutes and swam .5 miles.  A fellow swimmer gave me some advice on adjusting my stroke.  I may be breathing at the wrong moment and causing my right arm to arc outward rather than going straight down.
Temperature pretty much as it should be this time of year….

22

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Last night took out 2 tablespoons from .25 cup mix of water and klonopin for the first time.  Also upped offset Valium for the first time to two milligrams.

Woke at five from vivid dreams.  Got back to sleep though, and while I woke tired and drained, did not experience as much emptiness, despair.
Talked with Dan, David, Steve, Caroline on the net.  Dave has to go in for a colonoscopy, and Steve made a joke, “Don’t think I will have to go in for one of those since I am dying of brain cancer.”  I laughed and said, “Steve made a joke!  Good one.”  I have decided to talk to Steve as I would anyone else.  We are all dying, just at different rates.  It was an OK phone call.
I was sorry to feel that Steve really does not like where he is living.  How could he?  And where else can he go with all the money he doesn’t have.
Temperature almost normal for this time of year.
Steve was lying flat in his bed this time.  Some times he sits up in his wheelchair. But not today.
David’s leg is getting better.  He is looking into acupuncture that may or may not be covered by the new Obamacare.
Did 50 minutes on elliptical, plus .5 mile swim.  Hard going today.
Am pretty tired what with withdrawing from one drug and starting up another.
Will call psychiatrist Tuesday and ask him to phone in prescription for 5 milligram Valium.

21

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Slept nearly through the night.  Amazing.

 But still feel like cow dung as my body withdraws from one drug and adapts to another. Though most of the morning hours I just want to go back to sleep. Woke feeling the day to come and my life generally are purely empty.
Temperature today: good.
Did 50 minutes on elliptical and .5 miles in pool.  Hard swimming today, energy low.
Tonight I change the drug dose as follows:  take out 2 tablespoons from drug/water mix (rather than 1.5) and increase diazepam from 1.5 milligrams to 2.
I do this not because I am feeling better but because I assume I can’t feel much worse than I did this morning and I managed to get through that by hook or crook.
So tomorrow morning I will know how the new dose feels.

20

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Temp in mid seventies, much more seasonal, today.

Slept till five or so.  Woke, went to bathroom, got back to sleep after half hour or so.
Got up feeling terrible.  I am not only withdrawing (from one drug) but also adjusting to another as a way of compensating for feelings caused by former.  Doesn’t make sense.
But I feel emotionally depleted, drained, desiccated.  Overly sensitive and paranoid.
Do you ever feel somebody is watching you.  Let’s have a show of hands.
Drew down 1.5 tablespoons from water/drug mix.  Compensated with 1.75 milligrams of diazepam.  Will do that again tonight and if I am not worse tomorrow morning than this morning will increase draw down to 2 tablespoons  (that would be a .25 reduction in total clonazepam).
Felt calmer after therapy yesterday, not so calm now.  
50 minutes on elliptical as Phoebe told a real long story about her time in Israel, and swam .5 miles.  Good story.
Still did not get dishwasher repaired.  The guy arrived well past the window and was more than happy to call it quits.  We had our usual afternoon plans.

19

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Too hot again yesterday but the heat wave broke–it will return next week–round 6 pm, so the bedroom was not baking when we hit the hay.

Still I woke in a mood most foul.  Nasty, full of anger, resentment, envy and other ignoble disquieting feelings.  I felt pretty much as bad as yesterday (though more consciously angry).
The day not overly hot.
Went to EMDR and did psychotherapy (cause I am still cautious about those buzzer things; they can wipe me out).  Therapist wanted to use them at one point;  I forget about what exactly.  But overall the session did have some points to it that made some sense to me, and came out feeling a bit more calm overall.  At least I drove sanely to the club where I worked out on elliptical for 50 minutes and swam .5 miles.
The session was about shame and my right to exist. Something I have known about for some time but haven’t ever managed fully to manage. Or face, or look at, or consider how determinative this terrible feeling has been of my behavior.  That I don’t really have a right to be here, at least as I really am and not as some distorted reflection of something or other.
And here I am 68 years old and still not certain I am supposed to be here (in my real incarnation).  Maybe I still have time left to work on this.
boom.jpg
Oh, felt especially bad since I increased the diazepam by .25 milligrams and still felt like crap. Going to wait a couple of days at this level….

18

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Kapow! Acrappy!

kapow2.jpg

Back to feeling like Monday.
Almost immobile, can’t talk, actually took a morning nap from round 1115 to 12.  Nothing else I could do.
Probably need to up the diazapam but the weather sure didn’t help either.
It was still over 80 at 10 pm.  As the sun went down, the temp went up; hot air flowing in from over the mountains.  It hit 93 some time yesterday.
Really a nasty feeling, like pus, like pus with blood in it, like pus with blood in it coming out of your gums, like shit on your fingers, like teeth falling out. 
Told Carol I feel like a failure cause we don’t have a real house, just this stinking SoCal condo that’s impossible to heat or cool properly.
And the constant noise.  I hear kids screaming at the moment and one of those fucking dust blowers.  Earlier the dust blowers, plus air planes coming for for landing, plus the beep-beep-beep of trucks backing up, hammers whacking away from construction across the field. Machine sounds, I was about to scream.
So in addition to feeling whatever one feels like when one sees bloody pus coming out of one’s gums, I feel very irritable, on a short fuse…
Slept for shit in the heat.  Three nights now of sleeping for shit.
Tonight I will take out the usual 1.5 tablespoons, and probably take 1.75 milligrams of diazapam.

17

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Whap! Wham! Ka-Pow!

kapow.jpg

I am done in.
At the moment it’s 90 outside and 87 inside.
As I said we have no AC.
Last night we were both up and sweating around 2 am.  It was about 85 at 9 pm.  
We have at least another day of this, with a forecast that the heat will return, after a slight dip. mid week next.
I feel cursed!
Yesterday with the heat and withdrawal was just terrible.  I thought about going to a hospital or just giving up on the whole withdrawal thing.
But the decision, mentioned yesterday, to add in 1 milligram of diazepam to my withdrawal mix turned out to be a good one.  I did get a little sleep even with the heat and my overall mood was better this morning.
I do dread this coming evening and night.  I hope the diazepam works again.
I did 50 minutes on elliptical, plus .5 mile swim.

16

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Whap!

I am in withdrawal.  Completely exhausted, de-realilzed, de-personalized…can’t think.
As Carol says, I am suffering; consequently to help with that I will tonight take 1 milligram of diazepam along with the klonopin.
I will continue to reduce that at the current rate, taking out 1.5 tablespoons from my water/drug mix.
It doesn’t help either that the temp outside at the moment is 89.  This is unseasonably hot and few of us…only a mile or so from the ocean–have any AC.  I sure don’t.
The whole morning I was worried I wouldn’t be able to drive to the club without some sort of incident on the road.  But I made it OK.  Just a mild anxiety attack I guess.
Did the elliptical for 50 minutes and swam .5 miles in about 30 minutes.
This whole business is a little scary….I am spaced-out, as folks used to say.

15

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9.14, a Sunday and it’s 85 degrees.

Very strange weather…we do get heat in September but not with this humidity.
Went down 1/2 tablespoon last night for first night on this regimen.
So down 1.5 tablespoons from .25 cup of water plus drug.
Woke at 240 am, and then at 6 am sweating.
Carol took over the driving to and from club because of my difficulty with anger impulse control.
Steve and Dan and I had a lazy but good talk over go-to-meeting.  Steve, as usual, said very little about his condition.  But he showed us his left hand which, as a result of cancer and surgery, shakes almost uncontrollably.  He speculates too that he lost the physical repository of some of his memory; when they took out the cancer they removed some of his brain cells also.  Memories he believes of the titles of books he has read.
Did 50 minutes on the elliptical and swam .5 miles.  It was hard today maybe because of the heat.
I had a major outbreak of sores on inside of lip.  Won’t worry about that now, but see it as a manifestation of withdrawal.  Perhaps.

14

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Just plain beat.

Started yesterday and continued into today.
Also sudden stress near explosions.  Can’t find something, can’t understand something–feel extreme frustration.
Agitation!
Saw psychiatrist yesterday and he prescribed two milligrams diazepam to be taken as needed.
Slept like a log… though that’s not quite right….more like slept in a fog…and woke in a fog and stayed in a fog and right now my right wrist is hurting for no good goddamn reason.
This is the fifth day of my being down 1/8 of original .5 milligram dose.
At the club just started chattering away to beat the band with a couple of people.  There is always a manic element in withdrawal.  You just start beating your gums while your head is completely empty.

12

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Once again drew down a tablespoon from water drug mix.

Once again very grim upon waking and tired for most of day.
Did EMDR today, though without the EMDR part; instead more psychotherapy.  I don’t dare do the EMDR right now.  It’s too wearing.
Muscle aches and very runny nose.
Swam half a mile after 50 minutes on elliptical.
See psychiatrist about this time tomorrow to discuss the taper and suss out what’s ahead.
Still reading “Stoner.”  Almost done.
It’s 9.11 and it appears the country is stupidly head into war again.
Had dreams but no memories….just on some sort of endless journey.

11

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Drew out last night again a full tablespoon.

Very, very grim upon waking.
Bad dream.  In it brother Steve, who is in reality dying of cancer, died.  I went to look at the body, but found a bunch of tangled bedclothes.  Downstairs–don’t know why downstairs–found WB and thanked him for having taken care of the body since I had the feeling somehow that that was supposed to be my job.  Whereupon the old lady said she too had helped, which is crazy since I never saw that woman lift anything.  End of sad dream.
Carol and I took a longer walk this morning.  I kept myself busy with odds and ends and chores. Called in payment for condo and earthquake insurance. Got to club round 130.  50 minutes on elliptical plus .5 mile swimming.
At the moment feeling quite tired.  Soon will take my late afternoon nap that I have been taking for some time now from around 515 to 545.

10

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Taking my initial trip across the bedroom floor and struggling to get my pants on, I thought, shit, this is too much.  I can’t do this.  

But as the morning wore on, I got out of the fog a bit and was pretty active what with us making a grocery run and buying some new area carpets, that are not great but OK.
Can’t remember any dreams, though I know there were some.
Figuring out different schemes of withdrawal.  Since my teaspoon was more like really a teaspoon and a half, am thinking of reducing in half-a-tablespoon increments.  If so, would start this new regimen this coming Saturday.
We have a half-a-tablespoon measuring device.
Bought a new pill cutter at CVS.
Swam half a mile again, though more slowly than the day before.
Before swimming I do 50 minutes on the elliptical.
Reading a novel, “Stoner.”  Finished “The Quarry.”

9

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It’s 9.9.

I had been planning to pull out a whole tablespoon last night but decided against it.
Instead I will do that tonight.
I have been depressed for years, particularly depressed the last five or six; now I am depressed and withdrawing from klonopin.
I woke feeling very grim and unable to articulate the grimness.
Carol went around posting post-its reading “You are feeling low for a good purpose.”
Yeah, right.
Still, they may help me to remember where I am at.  It’s too easy swimming my laps and thinking I might have a heart attack at any second to forget that some at least of what I am feeling is a biochemical response to some sort of activity in my brain.  And this activity is beyond my ken.
Swam 18 laps, half a mile, today and yesterday, for the first time.  I may sleep better if I wear myself out.
Nasty dream.  I shat two shits so huge they filled the toilet.  I was sitting on a mountain on my own waste in a vaguely hospital environment.

8

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So it’s Sunday, Sept 7.  I failed to post the last two days.

Last night we got to messing around and figured out that the two teaspoons I have been taking from my water drug mix is much closer to three teaspoons or one tablespoon.
So I am moving faster than I had thought.
Tonight I will use a one tablespoon measuring device.
I have felt occasionally quite “strange.” No other way to put it. Odd, off, and not in a pleasant way.  Had a long dream last night.  I was trying to buy something, tried to get change out of machines, couldn’t, finally got in a line buy something, and a guy tried to crowd in front of me saying, I am with her (the person in front of me).  So I bit his hand and he acted cool like nothing had happened, and then a fight broke out and I woke kicking off my sheets and knocking something off the night table with a flailing arm.
That sort of odd or strange.
So I don’t think I will drop another teaspoon on Tuesday night, as previously planned…Don’t know yet…have to assess…..

5

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OK.

I have gone five days at a one teaspoon reduction.

That means–by the plan now in place–I will pull out two
teaspoons tonight from my water drug mixture.

I will see how it goes and adjust accordingly.

Also, will see psychiatrist next Friday, the 10th? and see
what he thinks.

Today, low mood upon awaking.

Foggy in the head, tired, and have those strange sensations
in feet and lower leg.

Slept poorly, waking many times, not sure at moments if I
had slept or not.

Did EMDR and talked a good deal about the conflict between
work/slacker that I seem to have inherited from my father.  The slacker issue seems especially a problem
for we retired folks.  Or for me at
least.

4

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Tonight will be my fifth night drawing down one teaspoon
from my 1/4 cup mix of water and .25 mgs of klonopin.

That means that tomorrow night, that will be Thursday, 9.3,
I will take out not one but two teaspoons and then do that for five more
days.  And so on and so forth.

This five day thing is pretty arbitrary. But at that pace I
will be done with the ..25 mgs of klonipin in two months.  Is this too fast or too slow.  I don’t know.

I see my psychiatrist not this Friday but the one
following.  I will tell him how I am
feeling at that time.  Then we will
discuss and decide.

Woke up feeling awful blue. 
Carol says the last time I went through k. withdrawal I got very dark.

The rash on the nose continues, and last evening I had those
strange prickly sensations in feet and ankles.

3

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Following the routine, so far, I took out a teaspoon full of
water and drug from the 1/4 cup of water and drug last night.  That would be Monday night,  since this is Tuesday.

I woke pretty foggy and spaced out. This is troubling.  But I think in reality I am dropping more
that 1/24th of the overall dose.  The
pills don’t break evenly.  I think I am
getting closer, with irregular pills and leaving some residue in the water cup,
to a 2/24th or 1.12 reduction.

I have aches and pains and felt maybe I had some flu like
symptoms.  Those go along with every
withdrawal I have gone through.

Also I have a rash spreading out from the top of my
nose.  Probably the result of aggravation
from the sleep apnea mask.  But skin
issues have also been for me part of withdrawal.

2

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As previously indicated, I took out another  teaspoon from my quarter cup of water and
drug mix last night.

That makes two nights in a row.

Slept very poorly.  
Partly as a result of the drug change and partly because it was too hot.  Woke sweating round 5 am.

I felt a little dark, but mostly tired and foggy in the head
today.  Labor Day, 2014.

Did not swear and curse at drivers on way to and from
club.  Don’t know how that happened.

50 minutes on elliptical; left knee hurting.  14 laps in pool.  I swim slowly.  Took me 25 minutes.

Reading book, The Quarry, Steve recommended.