9

I had been planning to pull out a whole tablespoon last night but decided against it.

Instead I will do that tonight.

I have been depressed for years, particularly depressed the last five or six; now I am depressed and withdrawing from klonopin.

I woke feeling very grim and unable to articulate the grimness.

Carol went around posting post-its reading “You are feeling low for a good purpose.”

Yeah, right.

Still, they may help me to remember where I am at.  It’s too easy swimming my laps and thinking I might have a heart attack at any second to forget that some at least of what I am feeling is a biochemical response to some sort of activity in my brain.  And this activity is beyond my ken.

Swam 18 laps, half a mile, today and yesterday, for the first time.  I may sleep better if I wear myself out.

Nasty dream.  I shat two shits so huge they filled the toilet.  I was sitting on a mountain on my own waste in a vaguely hospital environment.