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Woke feeling possibly an iota better than yesterday.  But when I went to get it, the paper was not there.  That’s the third time now in a couple of months.  My stomach clinches up.  No paper.

So I use Carol’s ipad to find the LA Sports; exactly when I open the page, an instant message appears from B that reads:
Was talking to Marilyn (the hospice nurse in charge of his health care) and she said that Steve has defiantly started the “pre-active” stage of the dying process (google it). He won’t complain of pain to her or the doctor, but he told me the other day his headaches are worse, he has been having more pain in his legs and abdomen, and his nurse’s aid joni and I have both noticed the look of pain on his face and he groaned in pain the other day when I was adjusting his chair (it hurt to lay flat). Discussing this with the nurse, we decided to ask the Dr. to increase the pain medication; which has not been altered since 1/24/14 (5mg oxycodone 3 times per day, which she says is almost the minimum they give). The Dr. was just randomly here at dinner last night and Dad asked him for something to sleep, which will start tonight. He got a shower yesterday, and we sat outside in the afternoon for a couple of hours. He can’t work the iPad anymore, so I’ve been playing the radio app for him and helping him review the facebook feed and showing him the weather page he likes to look at.

Already in a super shitty mood, this message pretty much kicked the shit out of my day. All I have been able to think about is that S is in “the pre-active stage” of dying. So yea I googled it and unbelievable I found numerous uses of that absolutely idiotic and offensive expression. What the fuck could possibly be the pre-active stage of dying. Must be hospice-speak, which makes me think they too are all deranged people, no more worthy of their charges than a any bum on the street. Who would use such a mind polluting phrase.

What the fuck could be active or pre active about dying. What about simply the early stage and the last stage. So S is in the early stages; according to hosspeak this can last two weeks, with the obvious and obligatory proviso that of course everybody be different. Then comes the last stage, that may last from two to three days, depending, of course, on the individual.

All day long, even when I was swimming, I kept thinking “pre-active stage of dying.” What the fuck is that. Who the fuck could have come up with such a woolly, mush brained expression. Must have been a committee.

A truly horrible day. And tomorrow C leaves for Chicago till Sunday. So I will be alone in this hole thinking about the pre active stage of dying.

Did 20 on the recumbent; 30 on elliptical; and .5 mile swim.

Tonight will take a full 8 milligrams of Valium.

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