65

Really bad, bad day.

Was never able to shake, even during exercise, this horrible dread, fear feeling.  Could be just withdrawal compounded with the sense that S may die at any moment.  And his imminent death makes me worry of course about my not so far off demise.  Worry is not the right word….”concentrate upon” perhaps or “resolve to keep in mind” or something.  Not quite worry.
Worry I reserve for the pain that may attend the end.  This is something else.  And that, pain, really is something to worry about.
S has said he wants to die…now…asap…but he can’t.  His heart is very strong.  But his right arm is about the only part of his body he can now control.
But I did 20 on the recumbent, 30 on elliptical; .5 mile swim.
This is not going well.  I may, per C’s advise, increase Valium by .50 milligrams.

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