10 Days at 3 Milligrams

Been five or so days since I last wrote here.

It’s Sunday, September 20, and I am completely wiped out.
The heat is up again, probably to 90 today.  Mercifully it does drop some at night, allowing for some sleep.
BUT I woke terrified.  This has been going on for a couple of days but was particularly bad this morning.  So much so I went online and typed in “valium withdrawal terror and fear.”  I came up with a couple of entries on the benzo blog that do a better job of describing what I feel than I have done so far.  As follows:
Quotation 1:
The morning anxiety was awful and it was always there no matter what I did each morning.  I seemed to sleep rather well but as soon as 7am rolled around I was unable to lay in bed.  I had to get up and pace around a bit, often with nausea that would cause me to dry heave or even vomit.  I remember waking up around 3am or so and wishing that morning wouldn’t come, grateful that I had a few more hours before hell started over again.  There was this horrible feeling of dread every morning where I didn’t know if I had the strength to make it through the day. As the weeks wore on, this feeling of dread seemed to get worse because I was getting so mentally frustrated with the mornings. 

I have not had the dry heaves, but I know the feeling of being thankful it is not yet morning, and I know the horrible feeling of dread.  And it does start for me relatively close to 7.  The above quote was a response to this entry:

I am 4 months out, I have had many symptoms during tolerance (7 months), re-instatement (1 year) and now that I am 4 months out, while a lot of symptoms have lessened or gone away, the most disturbing ones for me have not and they are……

Morning terrors which last sometimes till mid afternoon, they mostly are not there in the evening.

These are coupled with anxiety, restlessness and the need to move or pace around.

I am “tired” of this now, I don’t see an end to this now and would quite welcome a natural death in my sleep so I don’t have to go through these horrendous feelings in the morning again.

It just goes on and on.

I am realtively comfortable when I go to bed but after “sleep” it just starts again.

This  does a good job of capturing my feelings.  Going off to sleep is not so bad, but waking is hell, and the feeling of dread can stay with me the whole day.  Well, no, the guy is right there too.  It is not so bad in the evenings, but it can last well into the late afternoon.

What horrifies me is that these people report these feeling four months “out.” Meaning they quit completely four months before and still feel this shit.  Here I am withdrawing. Still…looking at three more months to complete that, and as far as I can tell maybe having, if I am lucky, four to six more months of this shit.  I say lucky because for some the withdrawal is so bad they have to “reinstate” and start all over again.

Below quote 3:

Thank you so much for posting this!!! I’m experiencing EXACTLY the same thing as you and thought I was going crazy. Everyday, I wake before my alarm, getting only 4-5 hrs sleep and just praying to doze off a little more. Most the time I can’t and lay awake until having to get up and get ready for work. Luckily I’m able to still work and somewhat distract my mind from the anxiety that builds during the morning hours. Last week was the worst so far, I walked 15 mi during the week to help combat the anxiety and fear…it helps tremendously but now the pounds are really starting to melt off and I have to remember to eat more often to keep from losing too much. Just as you are, I’m scared during these hours…its the strangest thing because despite knowing that its withdrawal, the fear hangs on…only time makes it go away. Around lunchtime I start to feel better and it continues until completely dissipated by the evening. By the time I’m ready for bed I feel almost normal…thats the real torture, knowing I have to wake up to the same thing in the morning. This has been happening to me for the past year because of tolerance withdrawal. Now I’m tapering and it continues…

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