8/25–day 12 at 4 milligrams

Missed writing yesterday.

A bad day overall, and today is worse.
I slept nearly the entire night, till 6:30 at least, and still got up exhausted, defeated and morose.
Noise lately is driving me crazy: the beep-beep sounds from construction across the way, and this morning: grinding noises from tree trimmers out on the former golf course.  Many trees are dying from the drought.
Teague called to let me know he got my email a week or so back because I had called him yesterday morning to see if he got it.  And this  morning I woke feeling bad, that maybe he felt impatient with me, when, as he said in the phone called, my email didn’t really seem to need a reply. With which, I agreed, but had just wanted to make sure he got it (my having never sent an email to him before).  Strange the power doctors have.  As if they had insight into anything.  But I missed a couple things he said because I had just woken from a nap and my left ear is all stopped up.
So I woke aggravated about that.  Seems as if lately I feel I am just boring people, and it’s time for me to get over this shit.  Or maybe to really get over it and just plain die.  In not being I would at least cease to be boring.
At our last session, I caught Anny yawning.  I used to think I was at least a little interesting. No more.
Had a stupid argument with Carol.  She wanted me to make her a peanut butter sandwich since she was running late as usual.  But she wanted me to wash my hands before I did it, and as I was about to do that, she said I should was my hands for the length it took me to sing the happy birthday song to myself, and I said, screw it, she could make her own sandwich and stomped off.  I mean we have gone over and over about this microbe thing.  I mean what the fuck could she catch from me?  If our microbes aren’t used to each other after 35 years…..
The stock market took a dive, but seems to be bouncing back this morning.
The pool is closed at the club.  They are processing the water for yearly cleanup.  I did machines for about 1.5 hours and then some stretching.  Close to 700 calories overall.
The house is a fucking mess.  The shelves in the garage are about to collapse from all the crap.  I still can’t get the water out of the jacuzzi.  The deck still needs to be refinished, and I don’t care.  Since I will be dead soon anyway…why bother to clean up….just let it pile up..and then make your exit.
Jerry at the club is dying.  He has a bleeder and the operation to fix it could kill him.  Or the bleeder could kill him.  He and his wife have a decision to make.  He is 90.
What’s a Hobson’s choice?  I think this may be one.

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