30

BAD! BAD! BAD!


Don’t remember the dreams, images, thoughts upon waking today, so don’t know if they were worse than yesterday.  But the overall mood–whatever that is–is worse.

Fatigue, I guess, listlessness, with an undertow of nasty anger–

Had upon waking no desire to enter the day.

Ate my breakfast and found myself just sitting there head in hands.  Later, I am washing dishes and find myself sitting on the sofa staring into space.

Some religions have strict rules for morning ablutions.  Maybe the insistence on these rituals has to do with hygiene, but maybe it has to do with fighting off the despair that keeps you from wanting to get on with the day. Something to do while slogging though the “slough of despond (Pilgrims Progress).”

So I performed my ablutions as way to get on with the day, and that’s all I have been able to do today…just get on with it, one step at a time, one day at a time like any addict…

I am feeling bad enough that I think I will up the diazepam to 2.5 milligrams tonight.  Tonight will the fourth on the new 2.5 tablespoon regimen.  Tomorrow I will go down a full three. Starting the 2.5 tonight may cushion that decrease.

20 minutes on stationary bike, 30 on elliptical, and .5 mile swim and had no fun doing it. 

Shared the Jacuzzi with a fully clothed older woman.  She has potential skin cancers all over her body; multiple face grafts, partly caused by medicine she takes for a kidney condition.  Oh, god.

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