Too hot again yesterday but the heat wave broke–it will return next week–round 6 pm, so the bedroom was not baking when we hit the hay.
Still I woke in a mood most foul. Nasty, full of anger, resentment, envy and other ignoble disquieting feelings. I felt pretty much as bad as yesterday (though more consciously angry).
The day not overly hot.
Went to EMDR and did psychotherapy (cause I am still cautious about those buzzer things; they can wipe me out). Therapist wanted to use them at one point; I forget about what exactly. But overall the session did have some points to it that made some sense to me, and came out feeling a bit more calm overall. At least I drove sanely to the club where I worked out on elliptical for 50 minutes and swam .5 miles.
The session was about shame and my right to exist. Something I have known about for some time but haven’t ever managed fully to manage. Or face, or look at, or consider how determinative this terrible feeling has been of my behavior. That I don’t really have a right to be here, at least as I really am and not as some distorted reflection of something or other.
And here I am 68 years old and still not certain I am supposed to be here (in my real incarnation). Maybe I still have time left to work on this.
Oh, felt especially bad since I increased the diazepam by .25 milligrams and still felt like crap. Going to wait a couple of days at this level….