Going on 11 days at 1.5 milligrams

It’s Monday, November 9.  It’s been six days since I last wrote here.

Six awfully rough days, and this one especially, since I believe I screwed up the night before last and took 1 whole milligram at 6 AM.  Today I am paying for that.  I felt a little better yesterday perhaps because of the mistake in dose.  But today I ache and feel nearly comatose.
I am taking .5 at bedtime, .5 around 6 AM and .5 around 4:30 PM.
I am a little over a month from being 70.  I just don’t think I have that long.  I keep thinking about cancer of the lung or maybe just dropping from a stroke or heart attack. These things do happen.
I am exhausted and terrified.  I just don’t know how people hang on in a situation like this; still I am taking and have no plans actively to seek suicide.  Buy a gun or research pills or something like that.  Every time I think in concrete terms, I am brought up short; and think, well, I will just wait for what takes me to take me.
Additionally, I keep forgetting stuff. I lie in bed half asleep and try to remember names of TV actors.  Who was I thinking of this morning?  Can’t remember.
Been going to the club every day, no matter what.  Did an hour on bike; 25 on elliptical, for a total of 800 calories, plus .5 mile swim.

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