Day 20 at 3.5 Milligrams

I don’t know what to do about how just completely miserable and useless I feel immediately upon waking up.  Well, not immediately.  The feelings of dread, anxiety, and just plain fear seem to start round 6:30 AM.  I toss and turn with them for an hour and a half or so, sometimes dozing, and get out of bed with this horrible weight on my chest and feeling that I really don’t know how I can go on living like this.  The rhythm of the thing, or rather the regularity of the rhythm-  that there is a rhythm makes me think it is a drug thing, or my general depression compounded by a drug thing.

In any case, it’s a just, plain, awful way to start the day.  With fear of death, death woes, regrets, sense of failure, and no expectation at all of anything pleasurable in my day, just something to be endured.  If that….
After about two hours, I sort of begin to crawl into the routine, sort of an extension, these movements, of my originally having put on clothes to get out of bed.  I move steadily into the social realm…I guess you could call it, and away from the psychological.  The psychological is still there,  like the start of a headache, but not so powerful that the idea of vacuuming the carpet appears utterly ridiculous.  So I vacuum the carpet…
But this was a tough one.  And I dread another tomorrow morning.  This is almost all of day five since my last reduction….or is that six….
Did an hour and 15 of aerobic, 25 minutes swimming.
Still reading great expectations….
And the headline in the LA Times was about an Olympics possibly to be held in LA in 2024,
2024?  Who knows if I will live to see that.

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