Day 14 at 4 Milligrams, 2/27

Tonight would be the night, following my two week plan of reduction, to drop another .5 milligram of V.  But I am not so sure.  My head feels like lead.

I woke at three last night and didn’t really get back to sleep till 5.  It was very hot and I was aching in many places: thigh, calves, lower back, and hip joints.  I kept tossing and turning trying to find a place where things didn’t hurt quite so much. Finally  had to get up and take an Advil, was off to sleep in about 20 minutes, only to wake 20 minutes later feeling very cold and unable to locate blanket.
Woke feeling sort of sick inside
Saw psychotherapist.  Talked about a number of things–the way, for example, I used reading (and writing) as a round about way to access my “self,” more or less. Given that more direct access was blocked by disassociation (due to my have been mostly terrorized by my father and humiliated by my mother).
Psychotherapist emailed this to me for my contemplaltion:


is reached through the doorway of grief and loss. Where we cannot go in our mind, our memory, or our body is where we cannot be straight with another, with the world, or with our self. The fear of loss, in one form or another, is the motivator behind all conscious and unconscious dishonesties: all of us are afraid of loss, in all its forms, all of us, at times, are haunted or overwhelmed by the possibility of a disappearance, and all of us therefore, are one short step away from dishonesty. Every human being dwells intimately close to a door of revelation they are afraid to pass through. Honesty lies in understanding our close and necessary relationship with not wanting to hear the truth.

The ability to speak the truth is as much the ability to describe what it is like to stand in trepidation at this door, as it is to actually go through it and become that beautifully honest spiritual warrior, equal to all circumstances, we would like to become. Honesty is not the revealing of some foundational truth that gives us power over life or another or even the self, but a robust incarnation into the unknown unfolding vulnerability of existence, where we acknowledge how powerless we feel, how little we actually know, how afraid we are of not knowing and how astonished we are by the generous measure of loss that is conferred upon even the most average life.

Honesty is grounded in humility and indeed in humiliation, and in admitting exactly where we are powerless. Honesty is not found in revealing the truth, but in understanding how deeply afraid of it we are. To become honest is in effect to become fully and robustly incarnated into powerlessness. Honesty allows us to live with not knowing. We do not know the full story, we do not know where we are in the story; we do not know who is at fault or who will carry the blame in the end. Honesty is not a weapon to keep loss and heartbreak at bay, honesty is the outer diagnostic of our ability to come to ground in reality, the hardest attainable ground of all, the place where we actually dwell, the living, breathing frontier where there is no realistic choice between gain or loss.

I suppose this makes sense.  But writing something like this would require more sincerity than I could ever muster.  I incline towards irony.  Bruce Springstein is very sincere; Bob Dylan never was.  He has always been a huckster and a trickster.  Watching him in his early 20’s singing Mister Tambourine Man, I can see he is ready to bust out laughing, as in, “Are you suckers buying this shit salad?”

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