Woke round 520 and really didn’t sleep soundly after that.
Got up full of emptiness and dread. Wasn’t sure how to make it through the day.
I asked my previous shrink (she was 83 at the time) how to cope with old age. She said “adjustment and discipline.” So I exercised discipline. Performed ablutions, went to store, did chores, went to club.
Did bike for 20; elliptical for 30, and swam .5 miles.
No joy. No fun. Just discipline.
As of now 504 pm, no news about where Steve will be going or when.
I think I am getting a double whammy: pain of withdrawal from clonazepam and pain of getting used to Valium. Anxiety and/or depression.
The temp. went into the 80’s again, and the long range forecast–ten days out–says it will remain hot to the middle of this October.
The condo complex–what with the painters–has been too noisy lately. Today, they cut down a pretty big pine tree. I felt sad. I had seen the tree of course, but I had never really noticed it. Paused to observe. It was as if they were taking away something that for me had really never been there. I mourned the lost opportunity. Now there’s a big visual hole where the tree was. But since I never really noticed the tree, I have to look for the hole.
Part of my dread this morning was that possibly some of the circuits in my brain have been fried and will never be the same.
Poor Steve. Parts of his brain are no longer there.